An Apology, Kind of.

Reflecting on my date and most recent post, I feel tempted to edit it and apologize for some of what I said. One of the best things about my writing is that it is honest and in the moment. I struggle with patience and I act hastily, so I end up posting before things have seasoned.  In an effort to honor the good parts, I decided that I will let the post stand as is and write more on that here.

My goal in starting this blog was to write in a way that helps me heal wounds, to discover lost pieces of myself, and also to write funny shit when the mood strikes. In a way that I didn’t expect, my most recent post did help me very much. When I re-read it the morning after there were things that stood out to me as current challenges.

About despising men: a most sobering  revelation is that every characteristic that is despise about men could easily be applied to a woman. The truth is that women are capable of all of the same faults and evils. What’s the difference? Well, I don’t ever hear a group of women standing around talking about how they take advantage of others. I’m sure it happens at national bitches club conventions and other similar venues. Do women ever feel like they have earned badges of honor for the most partners they have bagged? It doesn’t really matter. Either way, people who regularly employ lying, manipulation, cheating, etc, are people with serious issues that I need to stay clear of. I’ll stop man bashing. I promise.

About how people understand empaths: Many don’t get it at all. That makes things difficult. Empaths feel things that are not their feelings. They allow allow those energies into their auras and it is basically a form of pollution. Some of those energies that mix in are good, but all are foreign. Supposedly it is possible to train oneself to either block others feelings or to allow them to move through more easily, affecting an empath less strongly or perhaps not at all. I’ve not had much success with either. When I block, I feel part(s) of me shut down. When I try to focus on acknowledging and allowing the energies to pass, they overwhelm me and my focus goes away. This recent experience did encourage me to renew my efforts with learning to care for this side of myself better. Anyways, when I wrote that I went straight to the shower and literally scrubbed my skin to get rid of his energy, that means that it wove so deeply into mine own that I felt it was physically me. It didn’t, and won’t, change who I am. But I felt that energy on and around me for about 20 hours. That was with me doing energy work to clean myself. Going to a family dinner at a restaurant can affect me very strongly, too.  It isn’t just creepers.

About boundaries: In the book that I am reading on polyamory, the subject of intimacy in relationships is discussed when explaining boundaries. The book talks about how intimacy is something that we all get to decide with whom we share. Those that know me well see how much I love intimacy. I love sharing those deep feelings and discoveries, I don’t recall ever saying “TMI”, yet so often I get hurt when I do expose those deep places. So one of the concrete lessons that I am taking away from this date is that it is okay for people to have to earn intimacy with me. It’s a pretty flexible rule, but an empowering one. Hopefully I can remember to hold that concept close as I go on more dates and meet new people.

About expectations: Expectations in dating and relationships can be good or bad and it all depends on the context and the actual expectation. In the context of my date, was is reasonable to expect to be heard when I spoke. When someone asks you questions and roundly dismisses your answers, that person is not beneficial in your life. This is one of the expectations that I intend keep. I’ll be on the lookout for other expectations that help me to grow and further solidify my sense of self worth, and I’ll be looking to remove expectations that don’t serve my joy and ability to enjoy spontaneity.

I think this about does it for processing that date. I’m tired of thinking about it. What a mess. Thanks for reading, as always. And for those of you that provide feedback, be it a text or comment or response on Facebook, thank you so very much. I read and value all of them. Love!

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