Well, I had my first gay date. After it ended I powered home, threw my clothes in the wash, jumped straight in the shower and scrubbed my whole body, almost rubbing my face raw.
Here is the good news: this did not change my desire to be with men. Phew. The couple of times that he touched me, I wanted more.
It’s taken me a long time to discern the difference between my emotions and intuition, but I do pretty well with it now. I will preface this next part by saying that I was very excited to go on this date. I met him on OKCupid. He says lots of good things in his profile. He is kinda cute, and this is what should have sent me packing:
“Man, I’ve got a feeling we’ll have a fun time regardless of activity. So let’s get together after work .. Maybe we can brainstorm activities, no need to commit to tea just yet. 😁 I’m not feeling beer either (too much partying this week), but maybe soda and pool at a bar? Bowling? Night hiking or biking with headlamps? What kind of friends shall we be?”
This was his second text. I am such an optimist, and when I decide that I want to do something, I’m pretty hard to stop. I wanted to go on this date. There is definitely a bit of ram in me. But why the fuck couldn’t I have the self awareness to read that text, the second one I had gotten, and delete it right away, not looking back. The problem with his message is that it could be taken as enthusiastic and excited. My intuition told me otherwise. I’m actually curious to know if anyone else is weirded out by any part of his text.
In terms of what the date was, it was mellow. We met up at his place, talked for a bit, and then went for a walk. After that we talked some more. Okay, that’s good. Now, here is what it was like taking to him. Imagine Woody Allen. Now imagine Woody Allen hopped up on steroids and meth. Got it? Super fast-paced. judgemental, and completely frantic communication, with plenty of self doubt and insecurity in the subtext. This empath here was freaking the fuck out and so very foolishly determined to see it through.
He had zero clue what an empath is, but went off spewing that universe/attraction bullshit. Great, a phony spiritual drifter. He actually told me that he has had 17 dates in the 14 days that he has been in town. He said is was in relationships now with two of them. He fucked several, at least. Good god this guy is a train wreck. And still I wanted to see it through. He told me his marriage was loveless, but that he loved her and she loved him even more. He said he had a girlfriend at work for over five years, but that he never dipped his pen in the company ink.
He is a liar. A manipulator. A charlatan. He is arrogant. He is the disconnected from the world around him. He cares more for his goals than other people’s feelings. He is the embodiment of all that I despise about men. Well, at least his dog was awesome.
When talking to a friend afterwards, I was asked the logical question, “So if you knew it was bad, why did you stay?” I had to see it through? I didn’t want to be embarrassed for leaving at the beginning of my first date with a man? I didn’t want to be perceived as running away? I had told friends about this and wanted to be able to tell them stories? I wanted to believe that it would get better, and that he would reveal some moment of humanity? Yes, all these things.
I think I need to figure out some criteria for knowing if they are good for me. I have a hard time with figuring that out quickly. For now I will just try to remember that if my date doesn’t stop talking to enjoy the beauty around them, it won’t work.
In the mean time, I will forge ahead and just take longer showers for a while.