What I Want and Why Anyone Should Care

The tornado continues!! Rest assured, lovely readers, that just because I am not posting daily doesn’t mean my shit isn’t spinning and that I don’t have crazy stories to tell. Shall we dig in? Yes, I think we shall!

Halloween is just a couple of weeks away. In talking about the upcoming kinky Halloween party that our community is having, T was telling me all about her costume. I loved how excited she was. When considering what I would go as, I felt lost. I’ve never been s big fan of costumes. Sometimes it is the logistics of comfort, and then other times I think it is more about obligation than fun. This time I want to do it right and have fun, and I had no clue what to go as. So T and I talked a lot about it, she jokingly suggested I go as a fairy, and we went to a costume shop to peruse. I didn’t like any of them, and as we  passed the lab coat for Dr. Howie Feltersnatch, I realized that did NOT want to dress up as a man. Yeah, the coat was funny, in a pathetic and gutteral sort of way, but I didn’t want any part of that or the cops or shitty Indian costumes. I wanted to go as a fairy!

So I asked T to take me where she got her wings. She looked at me, wondering if I was sure, and then said okay. So we went. It was a women’s lingerie store. I hadn’t expected that.

Upstairs, where the wings are located, we ran into the owner, a friend of T. They enjoyed a short conversation followed by the wholly expected question, “So, how can I help?” I froze. T gleefully explained that I was looking for wings for a costume. Ok, thank god it’s out there and I didn’t have to say it first!  She was delightful, and set out to help me choose. I found a set of red and black wings, glitter covered of course. She pulled them out for me to try on and it was then that decided that I definitely, absolutely wanted to be a fairy. But what about the rest of the costume?

“I think you need a tutu!”

Words that I never, ever thought I would hear directed towards me. After explanation and more words to assuage my fears, they got me to walk down the stairs, wings still attached, to check out the tutus.  I want you to picture this. Really. Lingerie store. Two beautiful women leading around a Viking sized man in a t-shirt and jeans with read and black glitter wings. Picture it again. It’s okay to laugh. I am now.

She pulled down one that was in stock and offered to have me try it on. I’m game at this point, but I have no clue what I’m doing. I think that, just to help me feel better, she directs me to the changing room. She put them on me over my jeans. I was instantly, but thankfully not visibly, turned on. Holy fucking hell that was a shock!  So now I’m turned on and really invested in this. And I do not want to be a joke, and I definitely want to put the effort and money needed in to look beautiful. We delved into the rest of the costume. Ruffle panties, a garter belt (!!!) and thigh highs??

Yes, I bought the wings and ordered the tutu, and T and I left to figure more of it out. The biggest problem in my mind was the top. What was I to wear? A t-shirt? Puh-lease. A vest? Maybe……  A corset? OMG. We were back in the same store, less than five minutes after we left, to get me fitted for a corset. I loved it. Still turned on. I honestly think that part of the turn-on was the humiliation. But it was fun! Expensive and very, very fun.

I’ve even decided to get makeup. Just a bit.  It’s amazing how much I am now embracing my feminity. I’m allowing my voice to return to its higher tessitura. And I’m even allowing my body to get into it. When I was with friends mid-week I allowed myself to get a bit flamboyant again. Tomorrow I am shaving my beard. Thank god T is going to help me, otherwise I would be a train wreck fairy and not the beautiful one I crave to be. I’m still in shock about all this. It is happening! And T really impressed me. She is such a beautiful person, she was filled with joy at seeing me open up and accept more of myself.

Pretty great story, huh? I promise I will post a picture of the completed costume after Halloween.

In reflecting on all of this, it occurs to me that not knowing what I want enabled me to be open and to get help to figure it out. I think that is a good lesson: If you don’t know what you want, try to be open to possibilities you didn’t expect and allow yourself to check in on how you feel about it all. It worked great for me and I had a super positive experience. I’m sure it doesn’t always turn out this incredibly well, but I hope that if I keep allowing myself to honestly react and that if I honor those feelings and learn from them, I will figure it out.

I’m going to be be a fucking fairy! Holyshitohmygoditshappening!!!

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