Tonight my Ex and I, who were attempting a Polyamorous relationship, broke up. She broke up with me, but it was mutual in that I, too, knew it was for the best. No, it isn’t what I want.
Here is what I have taken away from my time with Poly:
- It’s fucking hard.
Okay. So, yeah. It’s really hard. Why is that? The biggest part for me was in communication, which is supposed to be the core component in poly relationships. Communicate. Be open. Be honest. Form trusting relationships. Now, think about all of your current and past relationships and also your relationships with friends and family. In the heat of the moment, how many of those people can honestly and accurately discuss their emotions and be clear about their needs and their boundaries? Yep….. None of mine, either. And, importantly, neither can I.
Poly basically exists in a world of ideals and is practiced by those who cannot get there.
Would I do it again? Yes.
I’ve known for years that it is unreasonable to expect any one person to be your everything. It won’t happen. Maybe they will meet all your needs except sex, or except good conversation, or except your love of foreign films. Some of those are pretty important things. Are you willing to live without them?
Poly relationships can be negotiated and formed into any configuration that its members agree upon. They could be asexual, or only sexual. It takes a huge commitment to communication to maintain a relationship like that and maintain different ones with others at the same time.
Honestly, I had panic attacks every few days in trying to make things work with my ex. I’m so very proud to say that I came out of each one stronger and more focused. I handled them in a way that I feel great about. Even though the relationship ended and I’m really struggling with that, I know that opening up with her helped me to understand how much emotion I had been stuffing away and not dealing with. The pain in attempting this relationship with her again has made my life better. I feel things more vibrantly again. And regarding polyamory, I don’t know if I am or need to be poly. I do know that it has changed my expectations and that all of my future relationships will at least be emotionally open ones.
We didn’t close the door forever. She has lots she is exploring, and that apparently needs to be done with out me. I have exploring to do as well, but also healing. And aloneness. Fuck you, aloneness!! Fuck you right in the ear.
I guess I’m back to sitting here, alone, for a while.