Evil Sustenance 

Two and a half years ago I was successful dieting. I had lost over a hundred pounds and weighed less than when I was in high school and working out for 3-4 hours a day. I looked better, too. Ok I’ll be honest I was basically Adonis with a paunch. And a bald spot that made me prefer shaving my head. Hey! Stop sniggering!! Seriously though it was the best I had looked and felt in my life. I still can’t stop picturing Adonis with a paunch. That shit is funny.

Well, I let it go and gained it all back and more. I know, I’m the dietary statistician’s expectation. I feel a little bit heartbroken about it, and I definitely feel regret. As I was getting myself into the best shape of my life I was neglecting my emotional health by living in an unsustainable and ungrounded spiritual world. When, as was inevitable, I finally found the ground it hurt like hell. So I reached for the only means I had of numbing the pain; food. And sugar. Mostly sugar. But also a lot of food.

I don’t blame the diet I was on. Although I knew it was unsustainable, too. It worked and I knew there were people and tools to help me transition out of it when I reached my goal. What really happened is that I didn’t have alternative coping mechanisms. I have found some that work now, but they turn me into a hermit. That’s not ideal, either. I have still been drinking soda and eating ice cream and Reese’s. Occasionally I’ll binge. Those are the really rough days. My quasi bullshit reasoning is that, when I make those choices, my healthy coping mechanisms don’t work. So in order for me to remain emotionally healthy I sacrifice my physical health. It’s a trade off, right?

Sustenance is so important in our lives. It is nourishment. It is strength. Sustenance is both food and our practices. Logically there is an opposite to sustenance. Because of my giant ego I’m going to coin my own phrase, Evil Sustenance. That is so much better than any other word or phrase out there. Damn I am good. And because I am so good I feel that Evil Sustenance is self explanatory.

If you are unfamiliar with the Cherokee tale of two wolves, I put it at the bottom of this post as it is so relevant to today’s topic. It seems like most people have heard about or read this nowadays. If not, it’s worth a read.

Questions that I’m asking myself right now: What sustenance do you choose on a daily basis for your self? What food and drink do you consume? What gossip do you spread and what kindness do you enact? Do you judge people harshly or look for the beauty and commonality inside everyone?

I’ve gotten it into my head that I need to get back to physical health so I can be a model gay/bi person. So ridiculous, I know, but I’m also not joking. Any motivation is good, right?  What’s shocking to me is that I didn’t really feel this way when I created a Match.com account in search of women. I knew that I wanted to lose weight and that it would make me even more attractive than I already am. What is it about the thought of exposing myself with a man that makes me so much more self conscious? What the hell is a model gay/bi man anyways? That’s the stupid kind of phrase that bigots use to belittle an entire group whilst complimenting an individual: “You are a credit to your race, son.”  Fuck that fuckery.

Either way, it’s working as some kind of positive force. I’ll take it. Since my last blog I have found newfound willpower and am making really great choices and avoiding evil sustenance.

Thanks for tolerating my cocky commentary. It is completely tongue-in-cheek and is just my sense of humor.
TWO WOLVES

ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

HE SAID “MY SON, THE BATTLE IS BETWEEN TWO ‘WOLVES’ INSIDE US ALL.

ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER, ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW, REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE, SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT, INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE, SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS GOOD. IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY, HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE, EMPATHY, GENEROSITY, TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH.”

THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED HIS GRANDFATHER: “WHICH WOLF WINS?…”

THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED, “THE ONE THAT YOU FEED”

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Evil Sustenance 

  1. I can actually hear you laughing as you typed in “I was basically Adonis with a paunch.” Your humor explodes on this page with your smile and a raw vulnerability I appreciate you sharing with the world. You are very courageous on your journey here. And don’t beat yourself up too much about your ego, its a part of who you are so embrace it! 😉

    How are you answering those questions for yourself that you ask in the middle of the post? What forms of sustenance are you finding to fill you up and do not include food? If you make a judgement of another human, are you forgiving yourself for the judgement?

    Again, great post and thank you for sharing.

    Like

    1. Thanks!

      My ego doesn’t give me a choice. It’s maniacal!

      As for the questions, I put them there to get you to ask them yourself. That’s much more interesting to me than sharing my answers, which I do process.

      I think I’m going to have to write a blog on judgement. I’m sick of that word only being used negatively. Of course I forgive myself. So does my ego. My ego even praises me for all the good I do in the world!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s