Fair warning: I write pretty frankly about sexuality in this post. My goal here is to be honest and open and work through this stuff, so that’s what you’ll get if you read further.
I’ve been spending time reflecting on just how I got to this point. Where I sit right now feels like the center of a tornado. I don’t know which way is up or down and I’m reaching for anything that will help me figure this out. Maybe that is staring at dicks?
So I have been l have been looking, and I mean really looking, at men and women and trying to be honest with myself about what I’m attracted to. Thank god for Internet porn. It solved what could have been a pretty awkward problem. Anyways, I find that I see beauty and arousal in both, different features and characteristics catch me in different ways. So that’s helpful but also not. I will say that when I look at male and female bodies enough I start to be perplexed at how odd we all are. On some guys a dick and balls looks like they are attached in the same manner as Mr. Potato Head features. And women have such an astonishing variety of vulvas, labia, and breasts that it makes me wonder if they are as unique as fingerprints. We all get flab in odd places and as we grow old our bodies choose to reach for the earth even when our posture remains stately.
I did find this picture of a really beautiful man in his twenties laying on his back with an erection. He is fit with a small amount of definition. He has a gorgeous body and, if I’m being honest, a really impressive dick. And so I thought to myself as I looked at him, “What on earth would I actually DO with him?” There are two carnal acts that everyone thinks of with gay men; blow jobs and anal sex. Aside from those I was trying to picture foreplay and other intimate acts and what they would look like. I’m overhinking everything. How similar or different would it be from sex with women? How would it feel physically and emotionally?
While talking to a close friend about all of this, when I said that I was more emotionally attracted to men, she seemed to think that settled the issue. She was very confident in this. It is true that I long to be held intimately by a man that I care deeply for. And it is also true that emotional attraction without physical attraction is a shit relationship waiting to happen (and visa versa, naturally).
Part of me doesn’t understand why it would matter. Love who you love, right? I’m not denying attraction to women. But I’m looking for direction in my life and am trying to figure out where to put my energy. So far there has been a missing element in my relationships with women. And right now this loneliness is crushing. Yeah I know it is necessary. I’ll say again, though, that it sucks. Also, this decision is scary.
I found out that another dear friend has HPV. Now she has to get tested regularly for cervical cancer. It reminds me that the stark reality for gay sex is that it is the most likely to spread STIs. I don’t want ass cancer, and condoms do not provide complete protection from HPV. Couple that with the fact that so many men are fucked up in the head. Sad but true. Ladies, you know what I mean: The leers, the ogling, the clueless messages with dick pics, the lack of understanding of interpersonal communication and respect. So many men are so very lost in that regard. Is it any wonder that I don’t trust them? I’ll need to find an exception that helps me get over this. I know they are out there. And yes I know women have their own issues.
My main thought is to stay away from the Internet as a source for meeting people. There seems to be a pretty active meetup group for LGBT people here. Perhaps I’ll try to attend one of those if my ridiculous work schedule permits.
Unless there is a revelation or something huge I will likely post on a different topic next time. Some space and time for reflection and action on all this gay stuff is needed. I’ve got some pretty fun posts in the works. Love, and thanks for reading!