Aloneness

For the last few days I have been sitting with the idea of aloneness.  The reality is that it is a choice I have made and have been making for all of this year. Very often I escape to my home or to the river or to the trees or to the clean energy of my familiar cat. I don’t answer the phone or respond to texts. I bail on plans sometimes giving up deposits or the money I invested to make them, I skip the sweat lodges. Sometimes I feel the need to escape  or distract myself and I relent and chat, but deep down I need the solace that space brings.

At first I chose to be alone because I believed that I needed the space to clear my head and spirit.  Being an Empath takes its toll, for sure. But a visit I had with a seer that I trust shed some light on this for me. She told me that she sees me as intrinsically alone; spiritually homeless.  Okay, I know that sounds weird, but it actually makes a lot of sense to me and validates my intuition.  Many things that I’ve done or tried certain have value and have helped me hugely, and at the same time there is a real disconnect with my heart and the practice.  A missing resonance.

After my vision quest the metaphor of the lighthouse has stuck with me. Fuck the self-important view of one bright light in the dark, a beacon for those in need.  That’s not it. I know that now. A lighthouse stands alone. Always alone. People can come to it, be guided or saved by its light. Maybe they admire its strength or beauty. Through all that the lighthouse does not fundamentally change. It ages. It weathers. It is a catalyst of aloneness.

So I sit in the dark right now with my kitten on my lap. It has taken 9 months for the haven of aloneness to turn to loneliness. I long for deep connection; for flesh and beauty and touch that pierces.  I crave the laughter and giddy frolicking in which a best friend or partner shares.  I feel sad because of the lost or broken connections with old friends and lovers.  Will I find a spiritual practice that deeply resonates with me? How about the partner?  Not now.

Now I must choose to sit with my aloneliness.* I choose to sit with the pain and to accept what is. God that scares me. Good things come from being alone, right? Self awareness and vision? Clarity? Determination? Probably some more shitty word usements.  It’s only fair to warn you now.  I’ll sit with my intuition and be alone. Will keep you posted.

*See what I did there? Pretty fucking clever, huh? Stop rolling your eyes.

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